Winning Communication
What does it mean to win when communicating? I think it means successfully conveying the information necessary to create positive outcomes for all parties involved. I think most people want to make progress, because we value people. Those of us who have been abused might have to work a little harder or a little smarter than others.
That may mean changing a person’s mind about where to go for dinner or how you approach someone or how they approach you.
When I was I my early twenties, I was kind of a wreck. I apologized for taking up space. I was nearly always on the defensive. Often, I had no clue what was actually bothering me, but I could get furious for small reasons. If the house was a mess, or the door was locked when I expected it to be open, it could send me into flipping anger.
My husband would say, “What is wrong with you?” It would stop me in my tracks, because I didn’t know. Now, of course, I realize that it stemmed from fear. I was afraid things would not be ok. That took years of thought to figure out.
I needed to be able to communicate in real time without sabotaging my relationships, my job, and my sanity. So, I came up with a relatively easy way to manage my communication, so that it would be beneficial to all parties involved. I made a lot of progress in my healing by doing a few things on purpose.
I memorized a few Scriptures about communication, speaking, speech, and the mouth. Of these, the most relevant to this post is in Ephesians, chapter 4 verse 29. It says, Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good that it may impart grace to the hearers.
Another version says: Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
By memorizing a few passages like this, I would always ask myself a few questions before saying anything.
1. Will this help? Will it help anyone or will it be useful to say. This would halt gossip. Even though some people will share prayer requests, it is really to tell what’s happening. If you really want another person to pray, leave out specifics. Will it help to tell your mom that your sister is complaining about them? Probably not. Will it help to tell your mom that you find it is easier to talk to your sister after dinner, instead of during dinner. Maybe.
2. Do I need to say this? Some things never need to be repeated. Other things are necessary. Correcting someone is never pleasant for me, but we need to do it sometimes. It is super important to correct privately, never in front of others, except in certain circumstances when all parties will benefit, such as, a new protocol or a change in procedure.
3. Does this build? The word edify, means to build up. In all of my communication, I hope to build up, but it doesn’t always work out that way. We really need to let others know what bothers us and what makes us happy. We can do it in positive ways. One way is to wait to speak until you are peaceful. So, if a family member is leaving socks in the living room for the gazillienth time, choose a time when they are paying attention to you, but you are not aggravated about it to talk with them.
4. Is it gracious? Grace is defined a bunch of ways, but undeserved favor is one of my favorite ways of thinking about it. Being gracious doesn’t have to be eloquent. The words are important, but tone and intent are of equal impact. If a child is throwing a fit, because you’ve asked him to clean up a mess, you can choose to respond with a consequence that is logical and deliver the news in a calm way. You might tell him that you won’t be able to go to the park, because he’s chosen to waste his time having a fit, instead of cleaning up the mess. Or if it is relevant, that he is delaying some other activity that would be enjoyable.
Communication is the life blood of all relationships. Whether at work or home, at church or the grocer, we all need to communicate. Let’s keep these few principles in mind, so we can be successful.
What other tips can you think of for winning communication?