Do What You Can
When I started this blog with the new theme, I expected to be actively fighting sex trafficking. Having survived four years of living in my sneakers and child sexual abuse from toddlerhood, God has brought me so far; from uttermost to uttermost.
Yesterday, I received a check from a fellow volunteer to help me pay for medical bills. It was crushing blow at first. Of course, I will accept it, but I will because I’d never want to block another person’s blessing. It was crushing because I have worked hard and paid my own way for so long. To be receiving assistance is humbling.
This year has been a $40,000 reversal for us. Between loss of income and the cost of treatment, we are back in the red. We started investing in real-estate in 2006. Yes, at the cliff… Having capitalized the property management and acquisition with easy money (credit card advances) we ended up with $70,000 in credit card debt by 2011. I managed to pay it all off in 3 years, to the glory of God. I’m grateful, but I was expecting 2015 to be an upward trajectory. …so many losses.
Lyme is so prevalent. In New England, it’s all around us, in us and among us. The confusion is the very worst symptom. I’ve dealt with pain for as long as I can remember. I can no longer tolerate over the counter pain relievers or anti-inflamitories. I would not take any psych meds, because of a family history of mental illness and suicidal ideation. The GI issues, back pain, stiffness, shortness of breath, palpitations and chest pain, the falls, all the migratory joint pain, and even the migraine headaches are no comparison to the confusion’s distressing attack.
God saved my brain from years of forced drugs and alcohol as a child, so my abuser could do unspeakable things to my little body with relative impunity. I was drugged to keep me quiet and still from a very young age. As a teen I used anything I could get my hands on to get into an altered state. I drank heavily all day and night. I used Valium and other prescription drugs. I used street drugs. I used cocaine and quaaludes. My abusers were more than happy to supply.
I suffered all kinds of child abuse, which has been shown to stunt the development of the executive reasoning, frontal lobe of the brain. I’d been kidnapped, gang-raped, violently abused, and in hostile situations much of my life. I was threatened with my own murder, if I didn’t have an abortion. I lived with that threat for days before I managed to escape. This kind of trauma is commonly associated with debilitating PTSD.
I had issues, but I took good care of my baby, went to nursing school, got two jobs, a car, and paid my bills. I had issues, but managed to marry a wonderful man, teach Sunday School and provide home education to all five of my children and help a few others graduate high school, as well. People are astonished at the things I’ve been through. I seem normal.
This year, however, has been the hardest. There have been times when I look at my computer and I have no idea how to do what I want. I’ve walked over to the sink and couldn’t figure out how to wash the dishes. Getting dressed or brushing my teeth was a slow, difficult process, not only because of the pain, but I couldn’t remember how. My speech was affected too. I couldn’t find words or I would use the wrong ones. I stuttered, stammered and all out stalled.
Somehow, I only cancelled one speaking engagement and that was actually postponed by my host and I didn’t reschedule. I spoke at one event with a migraine so bad that I thought I might vomit on the stage. I know that I didn’t do a good job, but the audience barely noticed. I declined a number of requests. I worked really hard at being consistent with writing, but that too was terribly difficult. I’d proofread over and over and take days to post.
I did what I could.
I don’t know how to recover from this year yet. Between the financial burden, the deferred maintenance of property, and the weakness and de-conditioning of my body, It will be a rough road. I do know that surviving any trauma can make us better. I sincerely hope to get better and reach out my hand to bring others along with me.
How about you? How do you push through and do what you can? What can make you throw in the towel?