Lyme Life ~Ready to Die
I’m ready to die. Just because someone is ready to die, doesn’t mean they want to. Conversely, just because someone wants to die, doesn’t mean they are ready to.
When I say that I am ready to die, I mean I have come to terms with my regrets. I have forgiven others and myself. In my own mind, I am at peace with people. I can look at my accomplishments without comparing them to others’.
I have come from the uttermost to the uttermost, in terms of being at peace. My life started out in violence and I endured many years of violence, pain, denial and living a double life. These days, the only violence I see is on my newsfeed on social media. I seldom even watch TV. Even though my body hurts all the time from Lyme Disease to the point of tears, nearly every day, my relationships and my home are peaceful.
I used to love going out in a raging storm. Now, I am content to watch from my couch. I don’t need any drama. That might be due to the fact that I am trapped in a state of constant distress physically. There are days when I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
But wanting to die is not a goal. The emotional feeling is not my dictator. It shouldn’t be yours either.
There are still lots of things to do, people to encourage, joys to be had and shared. We cannot determine what the next day holds, never mind next week!
I live in New England. Yesterday the temperature was 0* outside. Tomorrow, it is supposed to get up to 40*. We have forecasters, but they can only guess. It’s the same with me and you and our symptoms of Lyme Disease. Great swings can happen.
Sometimes we can predict how we will feel based on diet, rest, weather, activity, available meds, or which protocols we are following at any given moment, but at other times we cannot even come close to making a guess. Whether emotional or physical, we cannot let our feelings dictate out lives.
You are important. Even if you have lost relationships, even if you are isolated, even if you cannot work, even if you are barely able to move, even if you cannot talk, no matter what you can or cannot do at any given time, you matter.
You’re still breathing, so you have a purpose.
Put off your feelings and find it. If you know what your purpose is, then be attentive to it. Put it on like a garment.
If you’re cold, you don’t sit in the room next to your sweater and decline to put it on just because it will still take a while for you to warm up. You may be shivering. Put it on. You’ll still be shivering for a few minutes. But after a little while, you’ll feel warmer.
It’s the same with purpose. You may not feel like doing it. Maybe, you even think you cannot do it. If you think you can or you think you can’t you’re right! Find the part that you can do.
I write. I don’t do videos often because I am either in too much pain to come off encouraging or getting ready is too exhausting. Maybe I’m spent from using the little energy I have cleaning the house or whatever. Believe me, I get it. My point is that there is something you can do. Even if it seems small.
You may be in the state that your whole purpose is to get better.
Don’t presume that I am telling you to get over yourself and get to work one something outside of yourself. You may need to flip the rest of the world off and only concentrate on self-care. DO that. Rest, recover, restore, rejuvenate, repeat.
Winter is hard for a lot of people, especially chronically ill people. Lymies, are especially prone to depression because the germs are literally attacking our brains and nervous systems. So, be on your guard. Watch out for others in your sphere of influence too. We all need to know that we are important.
Be ready to die, but don’t go before your time. For now, stay focused on living the best life you can right this minute.