How Do You Stay Positive?

I have been sick off and on for as long as I can remember. Disseminated joint pain, severe fatigue, stomach aches, head aches and essentially feeling like someone with a twisted sense of humor is holding a voodoo doll with my name on it, varying the symptoms from asthma to dysuria, vision and hearing deficits to twitching and seizure like episodes.

For all of these years, when a group of problems were so bad that I couldn’t manage them myself, I would go to doctors. There were a lot of doctors over the years. Many said there was nothing wrong with me and I must be stressed or depressed. They didn’t treat me for depression though. So, they’d just send me home.

I did have a few life threatening periods that baffled doctors and they said they’d checked for everything, but the head of neurology at Brigham and Woman’s at one time said, “There is something wrong with you, but I don’t know what or how to treat you.” More recently, in 2008, an internist said, “You don’t fit into any of our boxes. You should go see a counselor, you seem depressed.”

I avoid doctors as much as possible. I had to have a physical for my job. I would just let them do a superficial exam and when they’d ask if I had any problems, I would tell them I was fine.

I learned how to use the dissociation that I had learned as a child to cope with the chronic pain and debilitating fatigue. I arranged my life to allow for lots of margins in my schedule. My family has always been very supportive and my husband says, “I made a vow.” whenever I am in a really bad state, to lovingly assure me.

This January, I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme Disease and put on medications, lots of medications. I’d nearly lost hope just a month prior to finding the doctor. Even though the disease waxes and wanes, it is very disruptive to our lives.

So, how do you stay positive? That question is so important for people with chronic illness. There are a few basic things that help to keep me from despairing. I hope that these tips will help others too. It seems appropriate to share on Resurrection Day.

First, I read and study my Bible. When the pain is really bad and crying will make it worse, because of a headache, the hope of His soon return for us keeps me. The Scripture tells us that He will return for us; to give us a hope and a future in eternity in heaven without pain or torment of any kind. There is an end to this difficult life. Even if I am wrong to believe in the Bible, it brings me comfort to read about a benevolent God who loves people so much that He provided documentation to remind us of that Love, to restore our faith, to strengthen our resolve and to give us wisdom for living.

I have accountability partners: people that I pray with weekly, people that I plan with and people that give me the room when I am really ill, but help me stay on task to meet deadlines for projects. It is very important to me to be productive, to make a difference in this world.

I definitely talk to myself. Whether it is climbing a flight of stairs or trying to read, if I am having a hard time, I tell myself that it will be ok or that I can do it or that I can ask for help or that it can wait until I am better. I remind myself that my value is not determined by what I can do, but by virtue of the fact that I am a person. I don’t have to perform.

Worship. Enjoying the beauty of creation, listening to music, looking at art, talking to people about their lives, watching children and animals play, praying and thanking God for the simple things. Even when I can’t walk or see well enough to read, even when I have a momentary pity party, I pull myself out by remembering that I am loved, this world isn’t my forever home and this pain is temporary.

How do you do it? How do you stay positive?