Rest in the Process

Sometimes we are impatient. For those of us who have suffered abuse, getting free from our abuser isn’t an event, but a process.

If you were in a situation that was a one-off, week long relationship that turned badly very fast, you can have lingering effects. If you were subjected to years of abuse, it can be so ingrained that it is difficult to maintain healthy relationships. If it happened during your formative years as a child, there may be times when you are at a complete loss for how to handle situation, your feelings or communication with other people.

I live in the northeast. We are very attune with the weather up here. My sister lived in Florida for a number of years and she said that people virtually never talked about the weather the way we do in New England. Our environment has a big impact on the way we are able to deal with life’s challenges. In my area, we make or break plans depending on the weather. In many other parts of the world, the weather would have no bearing on plans, indoor or outdoor.

1.  Go for a walk. When I was free from my abuser, in the early days, I could go for walks. The weather was not always conducive. Sometimes it was cold and rainy or biting cold and snow. I couldn’t let the environment dictate my strategy back then. Between the physical activity releasing good chemicals and getting my body moving to help me relax later, it was strong therapy. I was pregnant at the time, so sometimes they were very short walks. I took longer walks whenever I was up to it and when I was not.
2. Think good thoughts. During my walks or doing dishes or laundry, I really had to train myself to think good thoughts. I would often daydream about being hurt or killed. I had to bring those thoughts captive and stop them by declaring that I was ok. I am safe. I am protected. I have a future. I have hope. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there beany praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8 kjv
3. Talk to yourself. We heard from our abuser. Even in the silence, we heard. My grandmother was complicit in the abuses inflicted by my father, but she was nearly always silent. Her actions spoke volumes. She said that I was not valuable. She said I was a vessel for dishonor, to be used. She said it didn’t matter that it hurt. She said that I must remain silent too. When those thoughts come into our minds, we should give voice to the truth. Say, out loud “I am valuable.” “I have a purpose for good in the world.” “It matters, if I am hurt and I can talk about it.”
4. Mindmap. Get a piece of paper or use another medium if you’re artistic, and build a mind map. What are the issues, events or situations that cause you the most trouble? Draw you in the center and then, write or draw your life around you. So, if you’re a student or a mom or a factory worker or you have a business, draw or write depositions of what your days/weeks hold. When you look at an average month, put those events on there. Are there situations that cause you difficulty?
5. Strategize. You might need help. Think about what the basic problem really is. Then, you can come up with ways to help you cope. Let’s say that you get furious when you’re stuck in traffic on your way to a class each week. You know there will be traffic and usually give yourself enough time, but still find that you’re in a rage. Is the traffic the problem? Can you go a different route? If you have time, what is the bottom line thought that is really at issue? Could it be fear? Are you afraid that you’ll be late? Afraid you won’t pass? Afraid you’ll be embarrassed? Let’s say, you decide that you are afraid that you’ll miss something. You could ask another person from class to fill you in. You can get the teacher’s scope and sequence. You might simply verbally reassure yourself and find a distraction during the ride.
6. Communicate. We must be patient with ourselves. Keep open communication with your loved ones. Let them know, you know that you have issues and that you’re working on those issues. Be careful, though. Sometimes telling someone you are vulnerable will cause them to be harsh or ridicule. You need to trust the person(s) you’re confiding in.

In most cases of people that I’ve known that have been subjected to long term abuse, getting free is not a simple fix. There is a life long process that we must actively pursue for the rest of our lives. We have to learn ways of dealing with things that come easy to others. We have to be more aware of our tendency to allow self sabotage to derail our efforts.

We’ll look at communication some more next week.

We all have issues. What’s your experience? Were you bullied at school? Did you have that one sibling?