What Walls?
We all have walls around our lives and around our hearts. Those who don’t, live in chaos. Of course, I mean the intangible, invisible boundaries that keep us safe emotionally, spiritually and sometimes physically.
Early in world history, walls were the primary defense for cities. They were usually very thick, often people lived in the walls of the city. They would be like row houses today, except that they would be all the way around the city and be a defensive barrier to keep inhabitants safe from foreign invaders who would hurt them.
People who have suffered abuse may have super duper walls or they may have crumbled walls in disrepair. It takes a great deal of effort to maintain secure walls, or boundaries, that allow good people in and keep bad people out. This is partly because good people can hurt us and bad people might not seem to at first.
Good strong boundaries keep us healthy. They defend against people taking advantage of us. For example, someone might ask you to work extra shifts at your job. If you have solid boundaries, you’ll agree, if it will be good for you. If it would not be good for you, you’d decline.
If you don’t have good boundaries, you might agree to do the time even if it would be to your detriment. Then, you’d be angry. A root of bitterness might even grow, further eroding your defenses. For some people, bitterness precipitates guilt. This is especially problematic for abuse survivors. Primarily, because it sets us up to do it again; to allow people to take advantage of us.
If you have good boundaries and some one asks for money, the same applies. If you loan or give what you don’t possess, the consequences can be very painful. This is probably the most common way people take advantage of others. It happens at work. It happens in families. It happens in church. It can happen anywhere. Good boundaries will keep you safe from the nasty consequences.
Careful consideration for yourself and your family is the key to knowing if your boundary is strong. Let’s stick with money. Do you have enough to take care of your own needs without the funds being requested? It is super important that you don’t allow an outsider to pillage your provisions for your home.
If you wouldn’t miss it, then you need to decide whether or not you give it or loan it. This is a tough one. If You Give a Pig a Pancake is a popular book for children with a valuable lesson.
I had a woman call me some time ago. Her husband had died. She and I had done some youth events together, but it had been years since I’d seen her. My heart melted as she explained her hard times. I sent her money to help with bills. She proceeded to call me every week asking for money. After a while, I was hounded. I hadn’t used the careful consideration that is needed for secure boundaries.
Instead of feeling angry or guilty, I decided to establish a wall. I responded when she called. I told her that I would pray for her, but would not give her more money. I am not wealthy and the money I’d given represented sixty hours of work at my job. My family was without me. That time was gone. I could not replace it. Considering my family revealed the need for better boundaries.
Where are your walls? Do you build your walls so far away that good people cannot enter or are they weak and easily overcome?