When I Fight With Everything

It’s been one of those days. Every inanimate object is my enemy today. I haven’t even seen any people yet; not even a digital interaction and I am frustrated and exhausted.

I wake up in pain. That’s just my life with Lyme, but some days it’s so aggravating. I had stressful dreams, but that’s just my life with the scars of child sexual abuse and the trauma of so many rapes and violence of sex trafficking.

I’m a scroller. I admit it. I have a Facebook account and I use it. This last year has been the worst bout of illness in more than 25 years. When I sit very still, social media is an outlet, a distraction, and a medium for making a difference in this crazy world.

Sometimes though, my wall is full of abuse cases, tragic stories, and unbelievable evil perpetrated by people on people. That can be very disturbing. This month has been terrible for that. I keep finding myself in defensive positions with such intense flashbacks that I’m glad others are not around. I’d have to explain why my arm is blocking my face from a blow that happened 35 years ago. Or why I’m cringing in a heap with my shoulders up tight around my ears. Or why I’m covering my mouth with the back of my hand, barely breathing.

This morning when I awoke after a very disturbing dream, my head and neck hurt, my PICC line incision hurts. Apparently the dressing isn’t in a good position, because it’s bleeding from the change last night. I don’t have a back-up dressing. They cost so much. Plus, I have to pay to have it changed. I think, “How the heck am I going to do anything with my dominant arm out straight all day?” Ugh!

As I hobble down the stairs, aching from head to toe, it’s hard to keep my balance as I carry the supplies. I try to drop the line to infuse the meds. It’s tangled in my sleeve. I reach it, but then I struggle to open the syringe. There’s air in the line. I flick it and flick it, again and again. The drip rate is slow, it takes four times of counting, with my head cranked up, in pain, to get it close. Even my coffee didn’t come out good.

“First world problems” I tell myself. I have medical care. I can get out of bed. I live in a decent home. I have a wonderful, thoughtful, helpful family. No one is abusive. We are all kind to each other.

I probably need some rest and I definitely need to abstain from scrolling for a while.

The sun is out. I’ll take a walk.

If the dishes don’t get done, no one will die.

I will pray instead of engaging on social media today. There are plenty of people that need a loving God to intervene for them. I will also ask Him to send angels to protect the little ones and rescue all who are in torment. I will ask for strength, so I can get back in the fight for human rights too. I will ask for wisdom, so I can continue to make progress.

I will also begin investigating and experimenting with music therapy. The mindfulness has been good. Simply memorizing scripture brought so much healing to me. I think adding music will really help.  Integrating music, movement and Scripture is the focus of my current project.

I may read my ebook, Transformed, the Renewed Mind. That usually helps too. It’s free on my Home Page, if you want to check it out.

Everyone has days when every little thing is a chore and it seems like the entire world is fighting for your peace. Over the years, I have really become aware of how much we decide how our day will go, by choosing our attitudes. Sure, the world may fight us, but we can grab moments and take charge of them. I don’t let myself stay in that state too long. It’s so hard sometimes; when things pile up, especially the demands and expectations of a job, family, home, business and the financial stress can certainly be crushing these days.

What do you do, when you fight with everything? How do you handle it?