Don’t Burn Your Bridges
When I was a kid my grandmother used to say, “Don’t burn your bridges.” I din’t really know what she meant, but I remembered that saying.
We have all kinds of bridges in our lives. Medicines can be a bridge to get health back or get through an illness or injury. A job might be a bridge to a better career. A skill or talent might be a bridge to bring you to a new venture. Relationships with other people are often what people are referring to when they use this saying.
You don’t have to have suffered abuse to be leery of relationships. You just have to be burned once to have a cautious approach in dealing with other people. Sex trafficking survivors and child sexual abuse survivors have an especially difficult time with relationships, which may seem obvious to most people, if they know the person’s past.
More often than not, we don’t know what people have been through in their lives. We just get to know them in the present. There are things that happen to us that change us; that actually restructure our brains and the ways we think, for better and for worse.
We must choose thoughts that affirm our innate dignity.
Unless we are aware that we have a choice in how we manage our thoughts, we think we have no control. “It’s just the way I am.” “That is just how I think” “I am who I am and I cannot change that” This is simply not true, but unless we are educated and follow the example of others, we will stay in that state. You and I have a choice with every thought that comes into our minds. We can accept it or reject it.
Scripture says to …bring all thoughts into captivity to the obedience of Christ.(2 Cor. 10:5) So, God, our creator says that we have all the power. We can create new pathways of thought, so our reactions to things changes. We can choose dignity.
In the last post, I mentioned an unfortunate incident that caused flashbacks to past abuse. I was terribly upset for hours, but I kept talking to myself. I kept reminding myself of all the statements I gave and I believe that it made me heal faster. I have no intention of ever allowing that to happen again, but it didn’t affect me for weeks, like it might have years ago.
It does take time to restructure our brains and patterns of behavior. The good news is that it can be done! There is hope. You’re still breathing. There is hope.
“When the men came to the Lord, they said, ‘John the Baptist has sent us to you to ask, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or should we look for another?’’ At that time Jesus cured many of their diseases, sufferings, and evil spirits; he also granted sight to many who were blind. And Jesus said to them in reply, ‘Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind regain their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the poor have the good news proclaimed to them. And blessed is the one who takes no offense at me.’” ~ Lk 7:20-23
I cannot even imagine what John’s thoughts were, as he sat in that dungeon awaiting certain death. Jesus, specifically told him not to be offended. Here was the savior of the world not helping him get out of his predicament and telling him to keep his thoughts in line!
If John can do it, after spending is whole life announcing the Savior and knowing that He had the power to relieve his suffering, but had a different plan, we can too.
Some of us have been hurt by people we’d considered friends, coworkers, family or people in authority over us. I am in no way suggesting that we allow them to continue to hurt us. I am saying that we have the ability to prevent the patterns of behavior that may put us in subjection to others like them and we can do that without burning bridges.
To clarify, by burning bridges, I am speaking of our behaviors. The way we behave is all we can control. If you need to press charges or remove someone from your life, you can do it with grace and dignity. Tell the facts. Never surmise motive. Be clear. Stay safe.
I have no contact with people who have abused me. I have limited contact with people that might abuse my trust. I allow people into my life on a very carefully monitored basis. I think of my relationships in terms of concentric circles of access. Everyone should do that. Survivors must.
How do you evaluate the relationships in your life?