Beware the Patient Predator

I read a story yesterday that turned my stomach. A judge decreased a mandatory sentence for a child rapist by 15 years. He reasoned that his crime was not premeditated.

Where is the justice? If he raped a three year old girl, he had to have thought about it. He locked the door, so the mom couldn’t get in and covered her little mouth, so she couldn’t cry out. She was denied the dignity and innocence of childhood.

Even if the thought came on suddenly, he could have found it repugnant and avoided contact. The science of what makes a predator act is too much for me to tackle. The story did say that his own abuse as a child precipitated his ability to act it out. Perhaps, he should have been remanded to a place where he could get therapy to rewire his brain and heal. Simply decreasing his sentence puts him back on the streets sooner.

The subject for today is the subtle behaviors that give abusers access to their victims. The holidays are full of opportunities to gain access, initial access to the family or intimate access to victims. Sexual predators look for openings in family structure. They look for vulnerability. They look ways to present themselves as trustworthy, protectors, providers, and heroes.

It’s worth remembering that there are good people in the world. There are genuinely caring people, who want nothing from others and find pleasure in helping and supporting others as a way to bring glory to God. There are people who would never intentionally hurt another person.

The following scenarios are mean to be thought provoking. They are not meant to cause anxiety, just awareness. Keep your eyes open and guard your family.

• A seemingly innocent conversation can reveal too many vulnerabilities. You meet a stranger as part of a networking event and they start by asking about the family structure and how old the children are. The conversation becomes one of exposing your financial or time constraints. They offer ways to help. You quickly realize that this person is moving in too close too fast.

• A socially aloof or unattached person contacts you to strike up a friendship. He/she wants to take you out to eat or have you to their home. You find that they have few relationships and those are very superficial. Be careful about what you reveal. It is important to be friendly with people, but always be aware that a predator may spend years ruminating on their desires and work on establishing trust, so they can carry out sadistic fantasy.

• A contact from your child’s school or activity comes to every school event. They have no children of their own. They hang out with the children and not the adults. They know all the children’s names. They can point to the parents, but haven’t spoken to them. They gravitate to the children who have problems at homes. They console and attend to the weepy or angry children and barely notice the confident ones. This could be anywhere, anytime. Be vigilant for the sake of all the children. Don’t just watch, but let him/her know you’re watching.

• A family member that lives far away comes for a visit. He seems really nice. All year-round he sends cards and may even call to check in. When he gets there, he wants to play in the children’s room. He chooses hide and seek or tag with the children over conversation with adults all the time. He initiates fort-building and activities out of sight of parents or other adult caregivers. Age is not a factor in your awareness. It would be better to be a little overly suspicious, than allow a child to be abused.

• An obviously narcissistic person from your family or a friend’s family attends your events and belittles others. They use humor and sarcasm to degrade and disparage the adults in particular. They may zero in on one or two children that are exempt. He may even get them involved in the bullying; befriending them and slowly alienating them from the rest. This could be over years. Simply being alert is key. Talk about kindness and safety.

• A member of a club or group that shows no empathy in general, but acts differently at a playground or other gathering place for children. They may exhibit total disregard for people or animals in conversation, hearing terrible news or when people share heart wrenching events. You think that he is heartless, but then when your toddler falls, they switch their behavior and become overly sympathetic and excessively accommodating.

There is no way to tell if someone might have a propensity to violate another. Studies show that most sexual assault victims knew their abusers. Sexual assault is a core violation. It disrupts the dignity of a person. The best we can do is be alert to scenarios that might put children at risk.

Predators do not have a mold or set of identifiable characteristics. To read more from the Center For Sex Offender Management.

Children need us to be vigilant.  It is better to raise healthy children, than to try to repair a broken adult.