Merry Christmas

For many people, Christmas is not merry. It is a time of anxiety and stress. It might even be a time of flashbacks and fear. For a few, there is a real danger to going home for the holidays. If abuse has not been disclosed, great care must be taken to avoid further harm.

For years, I did not disclose that a maternal uncle had molested me at 13. When he got ready to rape me, I managed to push him off balance and hide under my mother’s bed. Holidays were extremely stressful, but I stayed in the light, and with others. I did not give him an opportunity to harm me again. His insistence that I “liked it” because I’d been very still, left me cringing for years.

When I got married, my grandmother insisted he walk me down the isle. That’s when I disclosed. That would have been repugnant to me. I had no man to walk with me. To that point almost every man I’d known, used me. Only a couple of men seemed safe. I had a little hope.

Thankfully, my husband is an amazing man. For the first years of our married life, I was a mess. I have struggled with health issues, but also the trauma from CSA and trafficking. I would be furious and have no idea why. He’d ask me what was wrong and I didn’t know. There were lots of times when I never figured it out.

He gained a tremendous amount of insight and help from Dr. James Dobson. He had a radio show called Focus on the Family. Dr. Dobson interviewed people from every walk of life and helped them reveal how to live a godly life in the midst of trials, temptations and trauma. Mark and I might not be married, if it weren’t for his listening to that show every day.

Christmas time and other holidays or family events were easier after years of safety and healing. The experience of being safe was key for me.

Similarly, I was bitten by a dog when I was thirteen. I became terrified, no petrified, of dogs. When a dog approached, I froze. I decided that was unacceptable with children. So, I got a puppy. The same breed of dog, but a different color. Bringing up that puppy really helped me to know that I did not need to fear all dogs.

If you have not disclosed abuse and are going to be in the vicinity of your prior abuser, it is really important for you to stay safe.

• Maybe you can bring someone with you.
• Or have a safe word to use with a friend that will help you stay grounded.
• Write out some affirmations and read them to yourself.
• Plan a back up place to be, in case you feel unsafe.
• Tell someone that you might need them and find out when they might be available.
• Plan safe activities that you can be sure to enjoy, so the season doesn’t become a trigger.
• Get help, if you have any self harm ideation.
• Call an anonymous helpline before your anxiety gets too overwhelming.
• Remind yourself that you never deserved to be hurt, frequently.
• Stay focused on the facts of the present.

You can only be in charge of you. If other family members are behaving badly, it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for their happiness, ever. Family is important, but if family is harmful, you might need to avoid them altogether.

Are there strategies that you use that might help other readers get through the holidays? Post them in the comments.

Have a safe, Merry Christmas.