He Said He’d Kill Me

He said he’d kill me, but saving my baby saved my life.

A Moment in Time

This was the culmination of years of abuse. Child sexual abuse had set me up to be a perfect target for sex trafficking. When I was thirteen years old, a local body builder came to my neighborhood and befriended me. In short order, I was in his car. Not long after, I was in his bed. As the winter drew near, my poverty was evident. The man began to manipulate me. He sold me to a small business man on my 14th birthday.

Four years of horrific instability unfolded. Sometimes, I was home or in foster care for a few days, but most of the time, I lived in my sneakers; homeless, fatherless, and hopeless. I was nobody. Shamefully, I existed at the mercy of the elements, and the merciless torment of multiple buyers almost every day. The old mill buildings were my prison. I was kidnapped, held against my will, fighting back made it worse. The subculture that engaged in all kinds of illegal activity, mingled intermittently with the rest. I didn’t know there were any good people in the world.

The police were buyers, or worse, they would threaten us with arrest unless we served them. I was brought to the home of a detective some times by one of the buyers. A city councilman was a buyer. Drug dealers, thieves and violent criminals were all around us, among us. Depravity and deprivation were just part daily life. I’d attempted suicide numerous times in various ways.

Months Prior

A few months before my 18th birthday, one of the buyers made a deal with the pimp, that would mean I’d be his alone. I had an apartment and a job. Then, I found out that I was pregnant. This man had told me that I would have to have an abortion, if I got pregnant. “I want no life.” he bellowed. He said he’d kill me, if I didn’t abort.

The man who sold me to him had brutalized me and kidnapped me and threatened me. He said he’d kill me, too. I was sure that he would see the end of me. Tragically, I never cared about myself. I put myself in many dangerous positions and unwittingly endangered others. I frequently risked my life, but now there was another. There was an innocent baby in my womb.

Somehow, I fell asleep that night. I had a dream of what the abortion procedure would do. I saw a tiny face, little ribs, a bitty hand. When I awoke, I threw my hands into the air and said aloud, “God, if you’re real, I need you to show up here.” I remembered a social worker who had been my key tracker, when I was a runaway. It didn’t take much to track her down then. She found a home for me within hours. I told her she was an angel.

But, Then

Somehow, I had to get away from the buyer. I went out during the time I was supposed to get the abortion, but I was setting up a place to store my stuff. We were to go out that night. I was trembling when he came into the apartment. He didn’t take off his coat. It was for a moment. We left to go to dinner. I shook and cried the whole way. Telling him that I couldn’t stay with him anymore, that a cousin would give me a job, and a bunch of other made up stuff. I said, “Something happened to me on that table.” He was quiet for the hour drive.

I was terrified that he’d find out. He said he’d kill me. I knew he could. No one would look for me. Few people even knew of my existence. Fewer cared. I cried, I shook, I went to the ladies room frequently, I took the big red pain pills he gave me, and I fidgeted the whole time. On the way home, he said he would let me go.

Saving my baby saved my life.

I’ve been married to a wonderful man for over 25 years. We have five terrific children and two grandchildren. I am a small business owner. I am a speaker and author. My life hasn’t been easy, but it has been full of wonder and goodness. I know so many really good people now.

If you’re thinking about ending it all for yourself or your baby, please reach out for help. There really are good people in the world. There is help. God is real.