Lyme Life ~ Pressure
It’s been a rough road. After more than a year of seeing my doctor, at least, every four weeks I am not much better. Actually, last month seems to have been a reversal. I’m not under pressure from outside sources. The pressure to get well is internal.
Lyme Life
Tens of thousands of dollars out-of-pocket have not yielded much, other than a roller coaster.
It’s Saturday and my husband is outside cutting wood. He’s nearly always moving. I am in the house. Sitting perfectly still minimizes the pain. I know it is not good to stay so still, but standing and moving across the room leaves me breathless. I cry through painful movements to carry out regular activities of daily living. A shower might require a rest. Washing the dishes and making a meal may mean that I have to sit down for a while. Just standing up straight is difficult.
With no end in sight, I focus on what I can do. I can think. Thank God! When I lost my ability to think, reason, and read last year, it was devastating. I can choose what I think too.
I do deep breathing exercises whether I am up to it or not. Meaning, sometimes I have to muster all of my willpower to stand up or sit up straight and take slow, even timed breaths and I add my faith as I recite Scriptures. Usually, phrases like, “He breathed into us, the breath of life”
Most days, I do stretches and scales to worship music. The pain often halts me as I move, but I take a moment and resume. It is extremely difficult to press through the pain. The fatigue often limits how much I can do at one time, but a short break and I am back to it.
What a wonder that highly trained athletes do this for the sport of it. They push the limits of their pain threshold and endurance for a prize.
Pressure
I guess it is the same for Lymies. Our prize is to be able to move at all. The Parkinson-like symptoms of tremors and jerky strides are more than annoying. They can be dangerous.
The internal pressure that helps us keep moving is the same that helps us maintain some independence. I seldom leave the house these days. Unless my husband brings me someplace, I don’t get out. It is uncharacteristic of me to be dependent. I’m a person who dosen’t mind being in charge and responsible. From my job as a home-care nurse to property management to leading a state-wide nonprofit to public speaking, I don’t mind pressure. Now, even rarely visiting people takes a lot of energy.
This is quite different. I am alone in it. No one is asking for results. My husband is pleased when the house is clean, but he tells me that he doesn’t care. My kids are all grown. I have cut almost all outside activities, including my job and volunteering. I have less property management by default. The pressure has to come from within.
A basketball only bounces if there is the right amount of pressure inside. I intend to bounce.
Lyme and co-infections are notorious for the ebb and flow of symptoms. If this is my lot in life, I will do my best to be my best to the glory of God. I hope you will too.