You are Not Ruined

June 17, 2016

I was born into violence. My mother got pregnant, as a 15-year-old, when she was raped. He’d told her he’d ruined her and no one else would ever want her. Crushed, she believed him. When she found out she was pregnant, he told her again that she should marry him because she was ruined. She did. I wish some one would have told her, “You are not ruined!”

For two years she was subject to unprovoked violence and brutal rape. Finally, on the verge of suicide, she called on her mom to get her out. By that time she was pregnant again. She tried to get some normalcy, but she’d believed him, that she was ruined. Her spirit was broken and she succumbed to poor decision making.

She never imagined that he would abuse children, but he did. My sister and I were sexually abused from toddlerhood. We both felt ruined. Our innate dignity was severely impacted. Again, I wish someone would have been able to tell us, “You are not ruined.”

Bad stuff happens to people every day. There are heartless, cruel perpetrators in the news constantly.

What was done to you doesn’t define you.

When I started Krav Maga, I noticed right away that they used the terms aggressors and defenders. They sometimes used attackers and defenders, but they did not say, “victims.” That struck me.

I was well into my healing from the past abuse and married to a wonderful man for 23 years at that time. We had a great family, but I still had some insecurities and doubts about my competency as a person. I had been a nurse for 25 years, managed rental property, served as president of a non-profit advocacy group, I had developed numerous courses and Bible studies, provided home education for my five children, but I still felt like damaged goods.

I’m thinking some of you could spell out a similar list. You’ve contributed to society in meaningful ways. But even if you hadn’t, you are still valuable.

Your worth and value are due to the fact that you are a person, not because of the things you do. Therefore, your value and worth cannot be diminished by what others have done to you.

You are a treasure, beyond measure.

You are loved.

Each of us were created perfect and any current imperfections are adornments. Obviously, if there are self-defeating behaviors that you engage in, you’ll want to change them because you’re worth the effort.

During certain seasons or on particular days, I am sad and I cannot figure out why. I grieve. It is important that I let myself have those times because, just like a scar from an accident, real trauma occurred. Denying that leads to festering.

It’s not a lifestyle, though. It cannot be. I sure you that you are too important to those around us to wallow in the lie, that you were ruined.